I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
