My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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