I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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