I'm so fucking centered right now
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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