Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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