the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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