Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Drunk is not a location!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
