The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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