I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize