hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
