In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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