and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
