drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
