I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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