im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize