Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
