**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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