dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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