Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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