I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
