im drinking this country out of the recession.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
