he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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