I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize