just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
