I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I skipped work to stalk him.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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