dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
