Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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