What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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