Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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