when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he had hair everywhere except his balls
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
