I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
