I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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