my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
