drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Michael Bay diarrhea
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
