I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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