no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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