Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
