fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
