Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
