hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
