Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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