I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize