onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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