There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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