Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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