Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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