Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
