I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
