He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
