Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
