Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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