I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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