You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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