Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
