I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Randomize
