He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
