I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
