Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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