I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
