Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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