I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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