Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just invented taco cereal.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
