I just pynch a tree in the face
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize