You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
